Every husband lusts after a material possession that, on the surface, makes no sense to own. The only reason to covet the object simply boils down to “I just want one.”
My list isn’t very long, by most guys’ standards. Before I kick the bucket, push up the daisies, lie six feet under or meet my Maker, I plan to acquire two of these “guilty pleasures,” as I call them. Wish me good luck on achieving this goal.
Crossbow. Everybody who is anybody owns one today. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. Actors and actresses use them to kill zombies, gargoyles and an assortment of monsters. A crossbow provides a very stealth alternative for eliminating pesky neighborhood varmints and for intimidating door-to-door solicitors. And gosh darn it, a crossbow looks cool, and I definitely need a good dose of swagger these days.
Autograph by Marc’s Big Boy. He’s the most admired corporate mascot in the world. Yet he looks like a dork. And that’s why I worship him. The cowlick hairdo, red and white checkered bib overalls, insignia t-shirt, pudgy waistline, short stature and million-dollar smile – Marc is so comfortable in his own skin. I’m saving a used double cheeseburger wrapper for his autograph.
Camouflage tuxedo. Picture a tall, lanky, flecked gray haired 58-year-old man wearing the complete ensemble, bowtie, cummerbund, handkerchief and even cufflinks. Now imagine me disappearing as I walk in front of a forest, floral shop, potted plants in a company lobby or zoo exhibit. I can picture my daughter someday wearing a matching wedding dress with a bouquet of ferns, rubber tree plant leaves and sod.
Pontoon Plane. This was a toss-up between a pontoon helicopter and pontoon propeller plane. With a helicopter, I could land in city public park ponds and swimming pools. With a pontoon plane, I’d be able to fly longer distances to remote wilderness areas to search for Bigfoot and yeti, who have been spotted while severely out-of-focus near foggy lakes and reservoirs. I’d love your opinion on this strategic decision.
Night Vision Goggles. How many toes have you stubbed while wandering around the house late at night, after being awakened by heartburn or your spouse’s snoring? Keep a pair of these high-tech goggles near your nightstand and you’ll never again bang your kneecaps or shins against the door jam or trip over the roller skates left on the floor. Add the crossbow and now you can use your insomnia time more efficiently by hunting nocturnal creatures in your backyard, such as vampire bats and rabid wolverines.
Freezer Containing a Dead Penguin or Walrus. Seriously! But I wouldn’t kill one – that would be irresponsible. Instead, I’ll slip a $20 bill to the local zoo’s custodial staff and ask them to call me the next time a penguin or walrus passes away naturally or due to animal rage. The frozen oddity in your freezer could be a great icebreaker for a dull party or a fantastic centerpiece for Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa dinner. And if family forbids you from bringing it into the house, the frozen carcass could be decorated with outdoor lights and tinsel to delight passing motorists and school bus children during the holiday season.
That’s my short list. If forced to choose only two, I’d pick Marc’s autograph and the night vision goggles. Or maybe I’d get a full facial tattoo of Ben Affleck’s face.
(next post: "Total Submersion")