Wait Upon My Shoulders

Shoulder painI stared at my watch again, only 30 seconds after my last check. I thought glaring at my timepiece would telepathically move her towards the house door. Next I tried several other tactics, all of which failed miserably just like past attempts; nonetheless, I felt better failing again rather than not even trying. Sometimes, it’s all about preserving some dignity, even in small amounts.

Most of us have deployed techniques that, quite frankly, we know are useless. Jiggling the car keys or yelling “we’ll be late.” Setting the house alarm or revving up the car engine idling in the driveway. Just like some infections have become resistant to antibiotics, so have women become impervious to attempts at speeding them up.

I knew a guy from Colby, Wisconsin who once threatened his wife with no sex if she could not become more punctual for appointments or events they attended together. He’s now a eunuch living in a Saudi Arabian network of caverns. The guy gets an “A” for effort and an “F” for results.

So, all hope is lost? Nothing works? Give up?

“Wrecz przeciwnie.” Which is Polish for “on the contrary.” Try the tips listed below. Most have shown signs of effectiveness on laboratory mice in controlled scientific trials. These experiments introduced situations where male mice attempted to convince female mice to hurry up and scurry through a maze to locate two garlic croutons, before a trap door shut. Failure resulted in lab technicians tying the mice’s tails in a knot. I know – that’s cruel. But the alternative of human experiments seems worse, unless the rodents were replaced with French people.

Tip #1 Fake a burst brain aneurysm. Be sure to feign the right symptoms – don’t wing it with something you saw on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.  As you screech out of your driveway on the way to the ER, look both ways for children and puppies. Travel about 1/3 to 1/2 mile and then begin talking lucidly again. Sit up straight as if you’ve recovered; use that “it’s a miracle” expression. Explain that the traumatic episode must have been triggered by the extra multi-vitamin you swallowed earlier that day. Then calmly proceed to your social event, on time.

Tip #2 Withhold “you know what” from her.  No, not sex. Conversation! From one of my earlier blog posts, you should understand how precious a good conversation is to your spouse. Deliver an ultimatum that if she doesn’t improve her timeliness, you’ll unfortunately be compelled to withhold valuable minutes from any upcoming conversations around the dinner table or in the car.  If this works, immediately buy a lottery ticket.

Tip #3 Drive the car into your living room. She now knows you’re serious about leaving on time.  You may have to use this technique five or six times before it produces lasting results. If you think of it ahead of time, remove any kids or grandparents from the sofa before accelerating through the walls.

Tip #4 Set all clocks forward two hours. This tactic normally works only once. So save it for a really special event where being on time is critically important, such as the blowout sale on bass boats at Cabela’s or a big surprise party for your unpopular boss who has a weakened heart condition.

Tip #5 Sedate her with a tranquilizer rifle.  Be careful and use the right amount of sedation.  I suggest Thazerol because it causes short-term memory loss – you don’t want her remembering that you used a firearm, since it’s a class one felony in most states and provinces (referenced for my Canadian fans). Once anesthetized, throw her over your shoulder and gently place your spouse in the passenger seat. If she’s a sturdy woman, ask a neighbor to help transfer her to the car, but be polite and offer him a return favor. When she begins to stir, start talking to her while she’s still coming out of sedation. Act like nothing happened and say something like, “…and that was my day at work, Honey, how was your week?”  

Once you use any of these tactics listed above and try to change your wife, then you must personally commit to a lifetime of impeccable on-time departures, with no lapses or excuses for failure.

In closing, I’d like to answer the itchy question on some of your minds. Are men also prone to lateness and dillydallying? This deserves a factual answer.  “Not at all” according to Claude Verholtz’s conclusive research, August 1984, on male rhesus monkeys, unless they're sidetracked by a bag of marshmallows.

(Next Post: Peeing on the Lawnmower)