Can men really earn points during their relationships? Stories abound about guys acting maturely or performing acts of thoughtfulness and, thus, being awarded relationship points by their loving mates. But are these “points” urban legends or absolute truths? In this post, I explore myths and facts about these numbers and their value.
Oh, by the way. The oral exam part of the Husband of the Year competition usually contains several questions about this topic.
Let’s get right to the gist of this analysis. Relationship points do indeed exist for men. However, these rewards are typically worthless except in very limited situations. First I’ll identify these exceptions.
Bragging Rights. Guys love to boast to other men about the points they’ve earned over the months and years of their relationships. Men will cling – like two socks inside a clothes dryer – to the hope that these points possess magical value. And they will continue bragging about their stash until the exact day when they attempt to cash some in and discover the ugly truth about their worthless collection.
Tax Write-off. My accountant works over the IRS as effortlessly as Mike Tyson boxing a jockey with pneumonia. In most circumstances, five relationship points equal one U.S. dollar or 0.74 euros (I don’t have time to list other conversion rates for all of my international blog fans, but I cherish each and every one of you). According to my tax guy, the IRS allows one lifetime deduction of relationship points IF the filer does not have a mortgage, earthquake damage or a wave runner.
Discount Coupons for Beer Tasting, Bass Boats and Gun N Knife Shows. A few merchants and businesses honor points as a technique for marketing to men. I have enjoyed as much as 40 percent off for redeeming 10 to 15 points. Most businesses require a notarized letter from your wife and two forms of I.D.
Next I’ll explain how points are officially calculated and what prevents discrepancies and inflation. A consortium of women’s magazine editors created a complex formula of algorithms and multiple weighting systems that determines which acts and behaviors qualify and their associated point values. No human being with a Y chromosome is involved in this process.
Here’s an example of this very complex formula. Flowers on Valentine’s Day are worth .0026 points. Flowers on Flag Day are worth more, 1.0536 points, because this holiday isn’t considered a traditional gift-giving occasion and, thus, the man is rewarded for being extra thoughtful. However, if the arrangement contains only roses, then the Valentine’s Day bouquet is worth much less, only .0013 points and the Flag Day flowers are valued at only .6017, the penalty occurring because of a lack of creativity in selecting the flowers.
While relationship “points” exist for men, no modern day records indicate that any woman has allowed redemption. Some historians believe, based upon writings on ancient scrolls, that Cleopatra permitted Julius Caesar to use several hundred points (when points were worth more) to buy a recreational chariot equipped with chalice holders, but other history buffs have poo-pooed this theory for lack of concrete evidence.
I bet you’re wondering if women accumulate semi-worthless points like men do? Females don’t need an ongoing loyalty program because they begin relationships with a large, grotesque dowry of points. Most women squirrel away these points, even though they have no intention of ever digging them up to redeem during a relationship. Sort of like the never-used special China table settings and sterling silver napkin rings. And by the way, when no one is looking, I microwave spaghetti and other leftovers in our antique porcelain gravy bowl, just to violate it, and let the dog lick it clean. One of life’s guilty little pleasures.
(Next post: "Typical Day's Itinerary at Husband of the Year Pageant")