Frogman’s Wetsuit. Oh, come on! Don't act like this is a weird gift idea! Every husband fantasizes about his wife wearing a frogman’s outfit. And don’t add bubbles to the bathtub because she’ll inhale them through her matching frogman’s snorkel.
"Amazing Backyard Medieval Catapult" by Ronco. There may be no better gift than the Ronco Catapult, perfect for launching hamsters, small cats, water balloons and rotten tomatoes up to 250 feet, far enough to assault your warlord neighbor who lives three castles down the block. It’s fun for all ages. Your wife will never suspect your selfish intentions because she'll assume it’s just another terribly misguided gift from a long string of failures. And if you act now, Ronco will include the miniature Dungeon Torture Rack and three life-like peasant action figures for drawing and quartering. Call today, toll-free!
Perfume. To purchase this gift for your wife, use completely opposite criteria compared to buying your own cologne. A great purchase for you involves a three-gallon jug that hooks up to your garden hose for easier application, priced around $3.95, and typically named after some part of a cowboy’s life. For your wife’s perfume, purchase a two-ounce designer mist spray bottle for approximately $259, named after some French snob or one of his six poodles.
Gift Certificate. They’re generally a safe and appreciated gift, but for some reason certificates from Beer Depot and Nothing But Tools don’t create the fawning you might have expected. Also, remember that coupons do not elicit the same reaction as a gift certificate. Try day spas and beach resorts, but remember that these destinations include other people touching and rubbing your wife’s body, such as masseurs and cabana boys.
Cash. It’s generally okay to give lots of money, but never combine it with a see-through nightie. Most wives don’t enjoy feeling like a high-society hooker employed by a rednecked escort service.
Spatula. Every woman loves being surprised with the most popular and versatile utensil in the kitchen drawer.
Donation Gift Card for “Save the Spotted Owl Fund.” Show your sensitive, world-view side and donate to a worthy cause in her honor. Improving the lives of poor, helpless forest creatures elicits a very positive response.
Elvira Wig & Dress. Transform your wife into Mistress of the Dark. Inform her that the costume is intended for next Halloween, but because of the store’s return policy, she needs to try it on tonight to make sure it fits properly. The next morning, immediately wash the costume to make sure it doesn’t shrink. Because of your thoughtfulness, she can no longer return it. And voila! You’re now married to Elvira, until death do you part.
(next post: "Are We There Yet?" and Planning Vacations)