“Are We There Yet?” Part Two: Weeping Underneath President Sheen

Here’s my analysis of your getaway options, including an assigned grade for a vacation’s overall potential to enhance and not mar a relationship.

Photo taken during our first ever vacation

Historic Landmarks.  My wife and I wept at the foot of patriotic Mount Rushmore in South Dakota.  We stayed through the evening to witness the lighting ceremony and wept again.  As teenagers we had studied this presidential monument in textbooks and now, standing at this rocky base of American ingenuity, we felt like we had time-warped back to middle school and completed another pop quiz in history class.  This kind of vacation experience can solidify a couple’s status as soul mates and bond the two lovers together with an emotional epoxy.  Standing arm in arm, my hand positioned on her backside and slightly above her hiking shorts, her hand lovingly situated halfway up my spine, we stared up at those four faces: Lincoln, Harding, Jefferson and Sheen.  No need for words, just awe.  Sister Gertrude, my elementary history teacher, would be proud of me. Give this vacation an A+.

Cruises.  They’re expensive and pompous, plus there's the chance you might vomit over the rail on the shuffleboard deck for the entire week.  On the other hand, a cruise can provide you with a relaxing and invigorating siesta, where crew members vigorously encourage you and other passengers to act like gluttonous savages during the all-day buffet.  One evening I ate 168 jumbo shrimp plus I licked the swan ice sculpture down to the size of a parakeet.  Cruises also offer unprecedented variety such as snorkeling, gambling, dancing, rock climbing, tanning, jogging, skeet shooting and pirate role-playing, contrasted against less popular cruise activities such as shark attacks, scalding sunburn, coral lacerations and incidents referred to by ship jargon known as “Man Overboard.”  In addition, the bathroom showers are smaller than a refrigerator’s butter compartment.  Because of the latter, I rate cruises a B+, just several hairs short of an excellent score.

Museums.  They’re filled with dead stuff.  Usually rare birds, growling stuffed mammals, pesky insects under glass, artifacts and replicas of ancient people.  Maybe one museum in 50 features really neat stuff like space flight simulations, giant funnels for rolling pennies into a dark abyss and a concession stand with gigantic dinosaur-shaped pretzels and exotic flavored Icees.  Overall, museums rate a C- at best.

Metropolitan Culture.  While visiting friends near New York City, we attended a Broadway play named the Man of La Mancha.  I think the plot centered on a Latino IRS agent named Don who is stalked by a Spanish exhibition, which made no sense to me. In contrast, while visiting relatives in Frankfurt, Germany, I really enjoyed seeing the opera Carmen, which included evil soldiers, daring bullfighters, ruthless smugglers and buxom gypsies.  Even though the high-pitched, incessant yodeling tore up my eardrums, I still enjoyed the opera because it was performed in German.  Not understanding one word, I entertained myself by substituting my own storyline, mumbling my own dialogue and imagining myself as the star of the big scenes.  But overall, big city culture vacations rate a D+, unless you can mentally lose yourself in the confusion of foreign dialect, which might jump the grade to a C-.

(next post: “Are We There Yet?” continued, more strategic analysis of vacation options such as camping and visiting relatives)