Finally, Some Real-world Advice for Guys, from Husband of the Year
I’m proving, once and for all, that an exceptionally talented man can share his gifts for the selfless purpose of making life better for the rest of his married gender. After winning the 2011 national “Husband of the Year” award, I was overwhelmed by a sense of responsibility to impart my knowledge to other men who deserve an opportunity to perform at a higher level.
Immediately after winning Husband of the Year, I asked the National Society to seal my honor and keep it confidential from the world. I made my humble commitment for the sole purpose of benefitting mankind, not for gaining fame or endorsements. It’s simply the right thing to do. And I’m a righteous fellow.
If a method existed to prevent women from reading these pages, then trust me, I would have equipped this blog with a device for locking them out. My hope is that females, after reading the title, will assume these ramblings are just one more example of a self-absorbed man writing about his prowess and superiority over women.
Mr. “I Do” opens a portal into a brilliant male mind that may never re-open during our lifetime. Every Monday morning in Mr. “I Do,” I will share a new perspective or resource to assist men with their fragile relationships. But wait! You’re a man who thinks he’s already in control of his relationship? You don’t need any help? Surely you’re not that naïve or ignorant.
We all need to share our divine gifts. Mine have lifted me up to an inspirational plateau, where I stand posing, with my hands resting on my hips as, quite possibly, the world’s best husband. Yet, I have squandered these talents for far too long, storing them in the back of my cranial freezer. Now it’s time to thaw them out and prepare them for consumption by other men across the land, before my thoughts suffer freezer burn. Enter the kitchen and gorge yourself on whatever you need to nourish the ideal man within. After all, women demand perfection, so let’s oblige them.
As you read my blogs, please remember one very important caution – every husband can’t be me. Most men would emotionally drown in frustration by attempting to duplicate my awesome accomplishments.
If you decide to adopt bold aspirations and launch a quest to achieve Husband of the Year, I urge you to establish modest, incremental goals. Take baby steps. Experience a quick win. Quench your thirst with a tiny sip of success before attempting to guzzle down a gallon-size victory.
Initially, enter a Husband of the Year competition in your neighborhood or at the company where you work. Then advance slowly, but more well prepared, and compete in a citywide contest and maybe even at the state level. And remember, only one husband stands on the podium with the engraved gold medal around his neck and proudly represents the entire nation. The odds don’t favor you. But never stop trying. Believe in yourself. And maybe someday, after wishing upon a star, you could be me. It’s possible. And I’m rooting for you.
Following are some sample topics I plan on covering over the next few months and beyond: how to avoid bedroom pitfalls, how to nurture in-laws, appreciate knickknacks, analyze dangerous holidays, survive conversations inside cars, tolerate art and culture, deliver brilliant compliments, reveal male femininity, deal with emasculating family pets, identify phobias and how to navigate a universe of other practical stuff.
Mr. “I Do” will also publish useful resources for guys who dream of entering Husband of the Year local competitions and advancing to the national pageant. For instance, in future blogs, I plan on sharing a preparation checklist for the oral exam portion of the competition. In addition, “Mr. I Do” will feature first aid supplies for clumsy husbands, including a list of previously tested make-up, forgive-me lines. Just break the glass, yank out the fire hose and extinguish your marriage infernos. This blog will save lives!
(Regular posts begin Monday, December 17, with "Ruminating about Atlas on Ice")