Right then and there, during lunch, in front of his colleagues, I chastised the employee, placed him on immediate probation and red-flagged his personnel file. I took this harsh and swift action not because he was ridiculing a fellow employee but, instead, because he possessed poor judgment about home improvement centers and probably had other reckless opinions that could someday harm other men.
Places like Home Depot and Lowe's serve as extremely erotic venues for advancing the intimacy of relationships. In my opinion, it doesn’t even require any real imagination to make this connection. Consider the following items and their sensuous appeal: caulking gun (with a glass of pinot grigio, of course), vinyl-based spackling compound, wing nuts and toggle bolts, leaf blowers, duck tape (It’s spelled “duct” tape? Are you sure? Who would have guessed!), garden hose and anything that oscillates.
Please accept as fact that any place on earth, or in the galaxy, possesses erotic possibilities for husbands. I’ve been turned on at sanitary landfills, carpet stores, bait shops, cutlery outlets and year-round Christmas supply warehouses.
But no place beats home, where every closet, ceiling fan, crawl space, rafter, chimney and nook that's five square feet or larger presents an opportunity for love. And remember, lust is a slave to your imagination. How about in the kitchen, in July, next to the refrigerator with the freezer door open, as a threesome with the seven-foot tall plastic snowman, culminating with a reverse front somersault topped off with a handstand?
(next post: Don't Knock the Knickknacks)