By now you have probably surmised that I aced the driving test. So let me share some pointers that could help you pass this important ordeal, which consists of two components: written exam and realistic road test. First, try answering some of these true-false questions from the written exam. I slightly altered them because every Husband of the Year pledges to protect the competition’s main tenets of knowledge. This portion of the exam is timed, so don’t linger too long on any one question.
1. Wives press the radio scan button more often then husbands. False. I once pressed the scan button 132 times in a four-minute timeframe, searching forward then backwards then AM to FM then repeating the sequence mega-multiple times. During that period, we listened to reggae, blues, country, gospel, acid rock, jazz, big band, classical, a traffic report, an ad for zit creme, a talk show interview on public radio with a guy who wrote a play about a family of skunks trying to assimilate into a new burrow next to a pair of badgers with ADD, and a test of the emergency broadcast system.
2. Wives feel more sorrow than husbands after hitting an animal with the car. True, of course. A moose could fling itself on the hood of a speeding Mercedes doing 75 mph (the car, not the moose), completely demolish the vehicle and impale the husband’s chest with a large antler fragment, and the wife’s first priority would be to hold a forest memorial service for the moose and start a scholarship fund for the mammal’s offspring. A husband would gut the moose and make sausage.
3. Men love their wives more than their favorite car. True, unless a guy owns a silver Aston Martin V12 Vanquish S. The car’s features are exquisite. I know a husband who even made love to one. That’s legal in 39 states.
4. While pumping gas, husbands are more likely to wash and squeegee bugs off windshields than wives. True. I enjoy scraping insect parts off my windshield because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. On the other hand, my wife would drive around for days with a pterodactyl splattered on the glass.
5. Wives are less likely to call a tow truck than husbands. False. I’ll drive 250 miles on four flat tires before phoning a tow truck. My friend’s wife called a towing service when the “seek” button on the radio failed to locate an oldies station.
6. Husbands feel more comfortable eating while driving than wives. True. Driving in a winter blizzard during white-out conditions, without the dome light illuminated, I once cracked a large bucket of Alaskan King crab legs, dipped them in melted butter, ate a Caesar’s salad, prepared bananas Foster and polished off a bottle of Dom Perignon Oenotheque 1973 without spilling a drop.
7. Once police officers pull over a car, they ticket men more often than women. True. There are two good reasons for this discrepancy, separated by cleavage.
8. Wives give husbands more driving advice than husbands give them. True. There’s been a lot of misinformation disseminated trying to explain this disparity. Actual experiences indirectly reveal the facts. As a five-year-old passenger, I witnessed mom criticize my dad for aggressively passing a vehicle on a highway – a John Deere farm tractor pulling a wagonload of hay at approximately 2.5 mph. If we had stayed behind the tractor, I would have grown a completely new set of replacement toenails before arriving at our destination. More recently, when my parents drove me to the airport shortly after my 50th birthday, my mom again chastised dad for recklessly passing another vehicle. He pulled out from behind a DC9 and blew past it on the A-concourse runway at the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. Frustrated that he couldn’t find a cheap parking space in the remote lot, he inadvertently wandered onto the runway and sideswiped the plane while it taxied to the terminal. And the insurance company raised my father’s rates. Those bastards!
(next post: Don’t Cross the Solid Yellow Line, part three: “The Roadkill Test)