Where’s My Recliner, Finale: “Hail to My Hernia”

royal familyLet’s conduct a quick review. “Shopping for furniture is worse than paying for furniture.” Now, let’s add to that axiom, “but nothing is more irritating than moving furniture.” I believe that new furniture should never be moved once it occupies the same floor space for longer than five minutes. And I mean never, except during circumstances involving tornados and lava flows.

A group of guys in my neighborhood chum around together on weekends. We window shop at Home Depot, play poker and hang out at the sanitary landfill. One particular neighbor never joins us – he’s constantly occupied with moving furniture in his home.

“Sorry guys, I gotta move the china hutch on Saturday.” Next weekend, “Crap! I can’t go.  I’m moving a credenza and four book shelves.” The following Saturday, “Sorry guys, I’ll be tied up moving that credenza again plus a secretariat and love seat.” The fact that he knows the proper names for furniture? That’s just plain gross. He occasionally begs one of us to lend him a hand with the really big pieces. We always refuse because saying yes would only enable his self-destructive habit of constantly agreeing to spousal requests. We hopefully provide a positive example by saying “no.” And maybe someday he will aspire to emulate us - every husband needs a role model.

Where’s My Recliner, Part Two: “Don’t Show that in Showroom!”

unique furnitureShopping for furniture hurts more than paying for it. Store owners could exploit this knowledge and actually increase sales by helping husbands anesthetize their pain. For instance, I’d sign a liability waiver plus a notarized document promising to buy a product if the manager or his designee would shoot me with a tranquilizer dart in the mattress section of the store. Two hours later, when the powerful sedative wears off, I awaken all curled up under the comforter, having just modeled a swank bedroom set and, in the process, saved store owners the expense of costly mannequins.

Thanks to our over-litigious society, corporate legal counsels typically won’t authorize the shooting of customers with coma-inducing projectiles. Another great idea of mine squashed by risk management!

Where’s My Recliner?

animal den“Gwen, today’s the big day,” Philip announced, just like he does every year.

“You can’t go outside until we rearrange the family room. You promised, Phil!” she pleaded. “Besides, we just woke up!”

“Our place is nothing but dirt, sticks, dried leaves and a few rocks,” he reminded her, avoiding a mean-spirited tone. “Moving all this stuff to different spots won’t improve our lives, our relationship or world hunger.” He regretted adding the latter.

Gwen seemed undaunted by his observations. “Then go out, find your shadow and get your furry little rear-end back in this burrow and help me move our ‘stuff’ around.”

Three hours later and Phil still hadn’t returned. Gwen stuck her head out of the hole and saw about 150 humans and paparazzi surrounding Phil with TV cameras, microphones and notepads. What a stupid, idiotic ritual, she thought, one that was obviously created by some lazy varmint who couldn’t hold down a decent job.

Our house collects expensive furniture. And believe me, I’ve tried to sway some of our purchasing decisions toward less costly items. I know for a fact that cheaper options exist. Krazy Kevin from Krueger’s Furniture Barn shouts from the TV that his storewide clearance sale features a complete dining room set for only $299. And that’s not all!  Kevin points at me on the couch and says that if I act now, he’ll throw in a free microwave and a poncho!

My “Husband of the Year” Acceptance Speech

Here's my acceptance speech, given in July 2010 at the Ritz in Orlando, during the closing ceremony of the Husband of the Year competition. I slightly altered my speech and created this generic version. You have my permission to use it, in case you win a similar honor. 

Olympic statues
“Thank you, Mr. President, for that flattering introduction, and for those two jumbo shrimp you couldn’t eat. I apologize for my unwillingness to dip them in your used cocktail sauce.

“Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I stand here before you an erect man, tall and proud, yet humble and meek. My life doesn’t resemble your typical ‘rags to riches’ Hollywood saga; instead, it’s more like Bruce Banner turning into the Incredible Hulk, or Clark Kent changing into Superman, or Popeye becoming, uhm, that other person. Hmm? Does anyone know who the hell Popeye turns into after he eats the spinach? Is it the Flash or Iron Man character? Well, never mind.