Blush Adonis Part Two: The Workout of Shame

fitness centersNeighborhood fitness centers provide men the best opportunity for proving that they’re passionate about maintaining a sexy body. Start by taking a tour of a facility. Then apply for family membership and begin attempting to mold those abs of steel. But first, memorize the following advice.

Never work out alone; always include your spouse. There’s a very real possibility that your fitness regimen will have no visible or positive effects on your physical appearance, so it’s critical that your wife actually witnesses the workouts. She’ll at least appreciate your effort, which may be worth an occasional pity roll-in-the-hay.

Naturally, your workout should include Nautilus. But for heaven’s sake, don’t make grimacing faces while you strain to curl your 25-pound limit. You’ll look ridiculous. If you don’t believe me, look around the weight room at the other guys’ expressions. They all look like a pissed-off werewolf straining to fight off the effects of a full moon. And the next time your wife sees that same face hovering over her in bed (your strained face, not the wolf man), do you really want her to associate the agony of lifting weights with your love-making technique?  I don’t think so.

Blush, Adonis

Adonis“I’m going to the fitness center to work out and knock off some Pilates and Zumba. And maybe today the people in yoga class won’t run out screaming and trampling one another,” Frank hoped.

“Why do you bother? Despite all that exercise, your head will still be flat on top and those rusty bolts will continue to protrude from your big, fat neck. And your arms and legs, which really belong to someone else, will still be sewn to your torso with chicken wire,” needled Frank’s Bride, who didn’t have her own proper name, which she resented.

Husbands, chisel your torsos to an Adonis-like texture. I carved mine into near perfection, although my definition of perfection may not fit Webster's. The motivation should be obvious: you want to be noticed while toweling off after a shower, you want to be desired even while twirling a Q-tip in your ear, and you want to produce sounds late at night from your bedroom that are loud enough to distract airplane pilots overhead.

Pretzel Fangs

snack foods“After all of these years together, what’s the key to your relationship?” the talk show host asked her, in a condescending voice.

Interviews made her nervous, him even more so. She lovingly squeezed his bristly hand, looked up into his gigantic nostrils, then turned back to the interviewer and smiled.

“We’ve always been able to overcome any obstacle. That’s our key to success,” Fay confessed. “Love-making used to be awkward, but we’ve adapted. And he no longer gets upset when I refuse to eat the bugs he picks out of his chest hairs.”

Using his opposable thumb, Kong reached over and gently flicked her head, sending a sharp pain through her lower lumbar region and almost snapping her spine. He then clenched his fist and in one mighty blow squashed the talk show host, splattering blood and shredded organ pieces on her ivory chiffon dress. 

This was one of those moments when she doubted their relationship would last.

A coworker, hungry for relationship advice, asked me why I married my wife. This rather bold question caught me off guard because it’s not the typical inquiry I get during a lunchtime business conversation.  The person probably expected a touching and tearful dissertation, where I espoused a relentless barrage of my wife’s wonderful characteristics. Instead, I only shared the following explanation.

Say “I Love You” with a Paperweight Conclusion: Ground Hog Day Gift Ideas

Based on years of experience and lessons learned, I’d like to share with you gift ideas for some of the more challenging holidays. All of these presents are guaranteed winners. Trust me.

Presidents Day.  Red, white and blue garter belt.

Thanksgiving.  Feather bonnet, electric carving knife or meat thermometer. The first one is the safest – the other two can more easily penetrate your body if she’s offended.

Halloween.  Gift certificate for the dentist, enough to cover x-rays, cleaning and rinsing (my dentist charges for each time he suctions the water, saliva and dental paste from my mouth and gums, so I usually swallow it all to avoid the extra fees).

Tax Day April 15th.  Red, white and blue stiletto heels.

Arbor Day.  Five-gallon jug of maple tree syrup from the Big Lots store, or a lightweight chainsaw for conveniently carrying inside a medium-sized Coach purse.

Columbus Day.  GPS system for her car.

Ground Hog Day.  Diamond tennis bracelet.  She expects one for other holidays, so shock her with this incongruent surprise.

Flag Day.   Red, white and blue corset.

St. Patrick’s Day.  A lottery ticket, a bottle of whiskey and two green oven mitts that you explain are required to handle her hot rear-end.

April Fool’s Day.  A nude portrait of yourself, taken on the 50-yard line at Lambeau Field. Be sure to schedule the private photo shoot sometime during July; otherwise, you’ll be coping with some major league shrinkage.

Fourth of July.  Red, white and blue thong along with a box of sparklers.  Now the costume is complete. Dim the lights, play the National Anthem oh-so-softly and remove the batteries from the smoke alarms. The fireworks are indoors this Independence Day!

(next post: Pretzel Fangs)