Presidents Day. Red, white and blue garter belt.
Thanksgiving. Feather bonnet, electric carving knife or meat thermometer. The first one is the safest – the other two can more easily penetrate your body if she’s offended.
Halloween. Gift certificate for the dentist, enough to cover x-rays, cleaning and rinsing (my dentist charges for each time he suctions the water, saliva and dental paste from my mouth and gums, so I usually swallow it all to avoid the extra fees).
Tax Day April 15th. Red, white and blue stiletto heels.
Arbor Day. Five-gallon jug of maple tree syrup from the Big Lots store, or a lightweight chainsaw for conveniently carrying inside a medium-sized Coach purse.
Columbus Day. GPS system for her car.
Ground Hog Day. Diamond tennis bracelet. She expects one for other holidays, so shock her with this incongruent surprise.
Flag Day. Red, white and blue corset.
St. Patrick’s Day. A lottery ticket, a bottle of whiskey and two green oven mitts that you explain are required to handle her hot rear-end.
April Fool’s Day. A nude portrait of yourself, taken on the 50-yard line at Lambeau Field. Be sure to schedule the private photo shoot sometime during July; otherwise, you’ll be coping with some major league shrinkage.
Fourth of July. Red, white and blue thong along with a box of sparklers. Now the costume is complete. Dim the lights, play the National Anthem oh-so-softly and remove the batteries from the smoke alarms. The fireworks are indoors this Independence Day!
(next post: Pretzel Fangs)